Best Cell Phones

I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant.
Author: Ring Lardner

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
Author: Earl Wilson

Joel: That's the movies, Ed. Try reality. Ed: No thanks.
Author: Ellen Herman

Joy, temperance, and repose, Slam the door on the doctor's nose.
Author: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Judge thyself with the judgment of sincerity, and thou will judge others with the judgment of charity.
Author: John Mitchell Mason

A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
This is the joke from a category: Pig jokes

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
This is the joke from a category: Political jokes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
This is the joke from a category: Police jokes

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.
This is the joke from a category: Rabbit jokes

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes