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Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.
Author: Danny Kaye

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Author: R. D. Laing

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
Author: Samuel Butler

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Author: Isaac Asimov

Life is too short for traffic.
Author: Dan Bellack

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?" The businessman replies, "Both!"
This is the joke from a category: Accountant jokes

"The auditors have just left, sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet."
This is the joke from a category: Accountant jokes

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."
This is the joke from a category: Accountant jokes

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
This is the joke from a category: Accountant jokes

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
This is the joke from a category: Accountant jokes