Best Cell Phones

When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others.
Author: Bertrand Russell

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
Author: Mark Twain

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
Author: Bob Edwards

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things
Author: Bible

Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the last time.
Author: Sam Rayburn

'We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?' 'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?' 'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'
This is the joke from a category: Elephant jokes

Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream. "What's that for?" she asked. "To make me beautiful," came the reply. Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean. "Doesn't work, does it?" was her comment.
This is the joke from a category: Face jokes

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
This is the joke from a category: Firefighter jokes

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"
This is the joke from a category: Farmer jokes