Best Cell Phones

It's extraordinary how we go through life with eyes half shut, with dull ears, with dormant thoughts. Perhaps it's just as well; and it may be that it is this very dullness that makes life to the incalculable majority so supportable and so welcome.
Author: Joseph Conrad

It's important to begin a search on a full stomach.
Author: Henry Bromel

Its like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone elses story.
Author: Margaret Cho

It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.
Author: Irish Proverb

It's not foresight or hindsight we need. We need sight, plain and simple. We need to see what is right in front of us.
Author: Real Live Preacher

A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said "BUK BUK BUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left. An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books they had taken earlier and said "BUK BUK BUK" Now convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three books, they took one each and left. This time she decided to follow them. She followed them down to the local pond and stood horrified as they threw the books into the water. All of a sudden they flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's head up saying "RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"
This is the joke from a category: Frog jokes

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living? By appearing in television spooktaculars.
This is the joke from a category: Ghost jokes

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks,''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''
This is the joke from a category: Gorilla jokes

What do witches eat at Halloween? Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.
This is the joke from a category: Halloween jokes

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
This is the joke from a category: Hair and bald jokes