Best Cell Phones

It's extraordinary how we go through life with eyes half shut, with dull ears, with dormant thoughts. Perhaps it's just as well; and it may be that it is this very dullness that makes life to the incalculable majority so supportable and so welcome.
Author: Joseph Conrad

It's important to begin a search on a full stomach.
Author: Henry Bromel

Its like your batteries get low, and you need to charge them on someone elses story.
Author: Margaret Cho

It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.
Author: Irish Proverb

It's not foresight or hindsight we need. We need sight, plain and simple. We need to see what is right in front of us.
Author: Real Live Preacher

What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
This is the joke from a category: Apple jokes

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?". "Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive. After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, "Viva la France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, "Lord forgive me for what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, "Well guess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microp hone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes