I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
Author: Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.
Author: Trey Parker and Matt Stone

There cannot be greater rudeness than to interrupt another in the current of his discourse.
Author: John Locke

It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.
Author: Publilius Syrus

There is a healthful hardiness about real dignity that never dreads contact and communion with others, however humble.
Author: Washington Irving

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms!
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes