Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Author: Robert Heinlein

Promote yourself, but do not demote another.
Author: Israel Salanter

Propriety was a rigid master, but one that must be obeyed if one wanted to keep a sterling reputation.
Author: Lawana Blackwell

Proverbs are all very fine when there's nothing to worry you, but when you're in real trouble, they're not a bit of help.
Author: L. M. Montgomery

How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
Author: Ronald Reagan

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; look my child, look what I've just finished making. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said what is it? God replied, "its another planet, but this time, I' ve decided to put LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the North and another one of black people in the South". And then the archangel said, "and what's that long white line there?" And God said "ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud - Aotearoa - (New Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be fond of travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieveing. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charasmatic specimens on the planet, and they will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael the archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, "hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said ther was going to be a balance....." God replied wisely, "wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them".
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes