Best Cell Phones

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Author: Bruce Grocott

I have made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
Author: Blaise Pascal

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
Author: Clarence Darrow

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Author: Mark Twain

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Author: E. V. Lucas

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it."
This is the joke from a category: Military jokes

Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
This is the joke from a category: Money jokes

Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
This is the joke from a category: Money jokes

Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here's the elastic band.
This is the joke from a category: Money jokes

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
This is the joke from a category: Money jokes