Best Cell Phones

Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
Author: Lenore Hershey

Do no dishonour to the earth least you dishonour the spirit of man.
Author: Henry Beston

Do not be awe struck by other people and try to copy them. Nobody can be you as efficiently as you can.
Author: Norman Vincent Peale

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.
Author: Thomas Jefferson

Do not cut down the tree that gives you shade.
Author: Persian Proverb

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
This is the joke from a category: Dirty jokes

These two old men are in a nursing home. They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference." Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."
This is the joke from a category: Dirty jokes

A little old lady shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy asks the salesperson "do you sell vibrators". Surprised by the request, the sales person says yes! The little old lady says: "Well, how do you turn the damn things off!"
This is the joke from a category: Dirty jokes

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
This is the joke from a category: Dirty jokes

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
This is the joke from a category: Dirty jokes