Best Cell Phones

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.
Author: Margaret Halsey

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Author: Ian Fleming

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Author: Emo Phillips

Where duty is plain, delay is both foolish and hazardous; where it is not, delay may provide both wisdom and safety.
Author: Tryon Edwards

Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?
Author: Cicero

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
This is the joke from a category: Time jokes

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean? That the nail had come out of the wall.
This is the joke from a category: Vampire jokes

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'Wh at your name?'" "I say Sem Ting."
This is the joke from a category: Travel and tourist jokes

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one? - I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
This is the joke from a category: Various animal jokes

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
This is the joke from a category: Waiter jokes