Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Author: Mark Twain

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
Author: Ellen DeGeneres

The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.
Author: Herb Caen

Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.
Author: Oliver Wendell Holmes

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
Author: James Branch Cabell

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
This is the joke from a category: Mental health jokes

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
This is the joke from a category: Mental health jokes

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
This is the joke from a category: Mental health jokes

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "
This is the joke from a category: Mental health jokes

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!
This is the joke from a category: Military jokes