Speech is human, silence is divine, yet also brutish and dead: therefore we must learn both arts.
Author: Thomas Carlyle

Spreading himself like a green bay tree.
Author: Bible

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Author: Evan Esar

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Author: Marie Curie

Strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others.
Author: Joseph Conrad

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one. "What about Finnegan?" inquired the other. "'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"
This is the joke from a category: Heaven and hell jokes

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"
This is the joke from a category: Heaven and hell jokes

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight" "No, that's impossible. " "Why do you say that?" "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."
This is the joke from a category: Heaven and hell jokes

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
This is the joke from a category: Heaven and hell jokes

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..."
This is the joke from a category: Heaven and hell jokes