Praise the bridge that carried you over.
Author: George Colman

Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent.
Author: Epictetus

If your imagination leads you to understand how quickly people grant your requests when those requests appeal to their self-interest, you can have practically anything you go after.
Author: Napoleon Hill

Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of mans values, it has to be earned.
Author: Ayn Rand

Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Author: Publilius Syrus

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
This is the joke from a category: Face jokes

A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad, dad," he said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face." "Tell him you've already got one," said his father.
This is the joke from a category: Face jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes

Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
This is the joke from a category: Elephant jokes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
This is the joke from a category: Ethnic jokes