Best Cell Phones

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
Author: H. L. Mencken

A diamond with a flaw is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.
Author: Chinese Proverb

A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind.
Author: Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

A duty dodged is like a debt unpaid; it is only deferred, and we must come back and settle the account at last.
Author: Joseph F. Newton

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Author: Ogden Nash

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?" The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient." Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?" The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine." "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p lane immediately." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..." Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children." Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!" As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Pl ease do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "SCREW THE CHILDREN!!" Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts, "YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?"
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
This is the joke from a category: Aviation jokes