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I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay
Author: Isaac Newton

I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me.
Author: A. A. Milne

I do the very best I can to look upon life with optimism and hope and looking forward to a better day, but I don't think there is anything such as complete happiness. It pains me that there is still a lot of Klan activity and racism. I think when you say
Author: Rosa Parks

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
Author: Jules Renard

I don't like composers who think. It gets in the way of their plagiarism.
Author: Howard Dietz

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the oth er three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?" A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies. The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays. A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly , "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
This is the joke from a category: Religious jokes